Sometimes I can’t sleep and I stay up scrolling the internet for flower porn. Really, it’s a problem.
I’ve suffered from an overactive imagination that comes alive at night (aka insomnia) for as long as I can remember. Getting to bed is a struggle. It can take me hours of laying straight in darkness to finally doze off and I must, have utter darkness. Street lights through windows, they don’t work for me. I need those blackout blinds. Baths are a ritual for me, like a cult, I return to them for solace.
Our house is on temperature control so after 10:30 at night it becomes like winter camping indoors. I'm currently wrapped up in three blankets waiting to get tired and questioning why I decided to sit out Valentine's day flowers this year. Oh that’s right, I’m one person and it’s wedding consultation season plus all the garden planning for the expansion of locally grown flowers I’m planning for this coming spring/summer and I’m writing a grant that's due next week.
Those are just a few reasons I guess, and then there’s the actually celebrating, Sim and I trying to have a romantic weekend away. After looking at the books though, all we can afford is to go to my parents place in the North Country (that's what I call the small town I grew up in because it sounds nicer). So romance will just be a little crowded. I'm sure we'll find some woods and we are going to hit the slopes. We haven’t been out at all this season for a board and we are both missing powder play. Plus this year we finally have the snow we’ve been waiting for.
But all of these excuses still can’t quench my desire to be designing this weekend. To be surrounded by fresh flowers in the dead of winter is one of the most sublime experiences. It’s no wonder I’m an addict. You know it’s love when all you can think about is how you can squeeze in time to see each other between the madness.
My sister says I'll be surrounded by them soon enough, sick of looking at the ever so coveted ranunculus and so I should enjoy this time of coffee meetings and research. I'm trying, I am, but I miss my garden hands, with dirt between my fingers, the small cuts and callouses. I'm really made for the action. Kinetic.
Unfortunately, this Valentines, flowers and I will have to spend some time apart in order for us to see more of each other in a couple months. Often, in love, sacrifices have to be made to ensure a better future.
Being away from flowers makes me sad. It’s that simple. I feel more depressed. So I guess they are an upper for me. That and the lack of warmth makes me sad. Today I spoke with my mother-in-law on the phone and said, “I miss the sun on my skin and the feeling of sand between my toes and how soft everything feels after all the grit and dust has built up.” Winters are just too long here, and I think Valentine’s flowers would have helped, and now I’m kicking myself because the next two days are jam packed with everything but the allure of blooms.
I know I have no right to complain, I’m doing what I love and I get to wake-up and work towards it every day thanks to supportive family and friends. But running a floral business isn’t as glamorous as you might think. It’s hard work, long days for little pay. If I averaged the amount of money I make over the time I spend working I think I’d be in the cents/ hour at the moment. It’s craziness. What was I thinking?
I was thinking, I’m drunk and in love. Flowers you have my heart, be mine,